Inside Outside

Inside myself I am free from fear.

Inside myself I am free from pain.

Inside myself I am free from love.

There is nothing but me and my heart grows...

Not from love.

Not from light.

Not from him.

It grows smaller with every attempt to connect with others...

Who hurt me

Who pain me

Who deny me

Outside myself I am open to fear

Outside myself I am open to pain

Outside myself there is nothing but me and my heart grows...

From love

From light

From connections I make...

With him...

With you...

With me.

Free Write

It had happened so long ago but the emotions were as raw as a fresh slab of meat straight from the butcher's block. I hadn't thought about it for quite some time, in fact I tried never to think about it. Whenever the images crept into my head I would hum songs from my childhood that took me back to a time when I didn't know fear or shame. However, this time the memories did not creep or crawl into my mind like they normally do; they simply slammed into me and knocked me over like a freight train going a million miles an hour.

Breathe. Please just breathe. It's all I could do to keep my composure. In and out, in and out the steady rhythm of my breaths calmed me to some degree. My body on the other hand was as stiff as a cadaver on ice and the breathing didn't seem to help loosen me any. Breathe. In and out. In and out. Slowly, each muscle released and relaxed and finally I felt the fear and shame slowly drain out of me with each breath I exhaled. But there...right there in the forefront of my mind were the memories I had been hiding from for nearly 10 years. No longer could I banish them to the dark abyss of my mind. No longer could I run. No longer could I hide. No longer.

How about another stab and hopefully a more consistent one...

So, I had this idea that I would be able to use this as an outlet for my writing attempts but it seems it didn't work quite well. I really do prefer literally writing it out and then typing it up I suppose. I guess for a while there I was at loss for inspiration and mulling over direction a friend of mine provided me about my writing. Which I have thought about a lot since that time. And of course I have been reading like crazy and paying attention to the styling's of other writers. Especially to the way they utilize dialogue to move the story along and how they create the environment of their characters for their reader. I'm really terrible at that because I just assume everyone can see in my head and obviously you can't (count your blessings).

So the truth of the matter is that I always am writing in my head; little paragraphs here and there for the booking I'm attempting to write. Usually they come to me while I'm trying to go to sleep or driving down the road or just sitting around staring at the wall (lol). So last night when I should have been sleeping since I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning I was writing in a notebook of mine. And here is what I've got:

The sharp edges of the Wasatch mountains grew faint in the distance with each passing mile marker bringing me closer the an unknown future in California. Running away from things I didn't want to face had become one of my best life skills. The fear of failure, rejection, heartbreak kept me from leaping off Love's cliff and giving love a chance. Of course the only reason I feel this way is because I have leaped and jumped willingly and wholeheartedly. The thrill of the free fall filled me with pure exhilaration and naturally that's when gravity reared it's ugly head and splat went my heart on the floor of Love's grand canyon. Needless to say I pulled myself up and scraped the remains of my heart from Love's jagged rocks and am currently contemplating my options for my life's future in California. The two scenarios have me either wallowing in self pity while gorging myself on Cheetos, chocolate, and filling my angst soul with the somber ballad "Near You Always" by Jewel in the dark solitude of my room or I could get over it. I'm sure if you've ever had a broken heart you know the scenario and right now this is my attempt to get over it.

Before leaping into Love's grand canyon my life was perfectly fine. I had friends a-plenty, did well in school, and had fun dating around. Sure, I was no blond bombshell with a size two booty but I was well endowed, curves in all the right places with long curly black tresses and a golden cocoa complexion. Cookie cutter I was not. Exotic, on a good day I was. Lucky for me (despite my heartbreak I still feel lucky) I was having an "exotic" day when I met the guy I would eventually leap of Love's cliff for. It's actually a pretty funny story how we met, of course if you were the other guy you wouldn't find it that humorous.

It was my freshman year at University College during freshman orientation. The school sponsored an entire weekend of fun activities for the incoming freshman before the official beginning of school. It was a time for us to get acquainted with the vast campus, meet our professors, and most importantly take in the beauty of the male population. Which my best friend, Mauri, and I did most enthusiastically.

"I wish we were living closer to one another on campus. You're freakin' dorms are wicked far from mine," I pointed out to Mauri on the campus map they provided us in our orientation packet. The map had a bunch of little black "X's" marking the buildings I had classes in.

"No worries Campbell, it will just give us more area to meet hotties," she said with a sly grin, "plus it means we'll be walking for sure and won't gain the horrid "freshman fifteen"." We had both made a commitment to one another that we would not gain the freshman fifteen but lose it.

"Right," I replied sarcastically.

"Come on, lets head over to your place and see what's going down there," Mauri slid off her cinder block lifted bed and headed toward the door. Mauri's dorm room was a private because her family was wealthy, they could afford it. Where as mine was not. We weren't necessarily destitute but by no means did my families wealth compare to the Maskell's. But despite our different socioeconomic stations in life we were the best of friends.

The Maskell's owned book printing company that printed training manuals and text for various corporations in the world. The business had been in her family for several generations, so that should give you an idea on her families worth, cha-ching. But despite her wealth and to die for wardrobe Mauri and I had been best friends since we were 6. We met in Sunday school class and discovered that we both had an affinity for She-Ra, Princess of Power. After that we were bonded for life.

We were the perfect balance for one another. I tended to be the more reserved one in social situations while she was extroverted to the max. We were Ying and Yang, balancing one another perfectly. So, when it came time to choose colleges to attend we both wanted to attend University College in Utah. Both of our parents had graduated from there and we each had older siblings there, as well as cousins, aunts and uncles who had graduated from there. It was no surprise when we both applied there and got accepted.

The campus was beautiful. There were beautiful maples, oaks, and pine trees all over, every bright green blade of grass was perfectly manicured and the vibrant colored pansies happily guided us down the sidewalk. One would expect they've seen all the beauty the campus has to offer, until you look up and see these towering majestic mountains with snow capped peaks that look like a backdrop from the movie "Lord of the Rings". One can't help but reach out to touch the jagged mountain range because you swear if you stretch out as far as you can you could feel the velvet mossy ridges of the mountain tops. Of course I didn't do this but I did see a few wackos attempting it.

"Holy shiz-nit who's bright idea was it to take these dreadful stairs?! Because I'm on the verge of having a freakin' heart attack right here and now," Mauri gasped as we approached the top of the steep staircase leading to the main campus thoroughfare.

I laughed and said "Yours bright one. I tried to tell you the ramp would have been easier but you went on about the freshman fifteen and how you want a bigger butt and stairs and blah blah blah. You know they call these the "stairs of hell"?!"

"Well there's a shocker, what an appropriate name, I feel like I just climbed out of the depths of hell. Jeesh, remind me to never listen to myself."

"Trust me no one ever does," I poked teasingly. She gave me an exasperated look and we both broke out laughing as we fell into one another and trudged the rest of the way to my dorm room.


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So, that's what I've got thus far and as you can see I've changed some names but it's a work in progress and this is my outlet to get my stuff out there. Feedback is always appreciated. Thanks!