Practice makes Perfect...

My heart was like an innocent prisoner pounding on the bars to be released, bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum, harder and harder it pounded with every step. The stairs beneath my feet were barely in focus, while the banister kept escaping my desperate grasp. Three more steps. Two more. One more. Door. I was almost there, three more feet to freedom. One. Two. Three. Breath.

With the latching of the door behind me I lost all control. Tears streamed freely while my breath was struggling to break free from my throat. Walk. Walk. Run. The pavement was a blur of shades of gray, similar to my view of the world at that point. All I desired was to escape the memory that enveloped me. It was like a swarm of African bees repeatedly stinging my heart. If only it would bring death but with each unstable step I realized how alive I was. The pain was nearly unbearable and the tears seemed infinite. Was this what Romeo and Juliet died for? Perhaps they were the lucky ones to die in love than to live without it.

Aimlessly I wandered the streets recognizing no one and seeing nothing beyond the veil of tears that shielded me from the world. Eventually, I made it home, I'm not sure how but someone somewhere loves me, even if it's not him. I hadn't realized how late it had grown. The sky was a deep sapphire with sparkling diamonds embedded throughout its vast space. I"m not sure how long I stood there admiring the beauty of the heavens and wishing I could be up there free from the gravity that weights on me here.

"Mauri! You sleeping outside tonight or just practicing your human statue skills?!" Nikki yelled sarcastically at me. Nikki's humor always entertained me because we were equals when it came to sarcasm. I didn't want her to know my world had completely ended a few hours prior, so I came back with the smartest remark I could think of, "Yeah, Nik, can you fetch me my pillow please?!"

"Hilarious, you are Mauri." I hear the door latch behind me and see a growing shadow coming upon me. I'm somewhat surprised because Nikki hates walking outside barefoot, so the only conclusion I can come to is that I'm not "playing" my emotions off as well I would like. Great, the shadow grows larger as she comes closer. What does my face look like? Have I been crying this whole time? Quickly I feel my face. Damn it, I have been crying this entire time. The shadow is gone and there is a figure standing directly in front of me.

"Mauri, you okay?"

I slowly look up at her and the only thing that comes out is more tears. She quickly embraces me and asks what happen. What happen? Everything and nothing; at least nothing I didn't expect. I knew how it would end, from the very beginning. That magical night we slowed danced under the stars in the parking lot to "Open Arms" I realized we had no chance. Today only solidified what my heart knew five years ago. So, what happen? What was supposed to all along.

A start...but not an end

I stood at his bedroom door for a while, taking in the foreign environment that should have been familiar to me but wasn't. Rays of sunlight flooded the room illuminating the crown of his perfect head. His eyes sparkled as he swiveled back and forth in his over sized desk chair. The language of his body was nonchalant and there I stood in his doorway like a lovesick puppy. I might as well have been naked because every emotion swirling around inside of me was turning my face a different shade of red with each minute that crawled by. My cheeks were burning hot and my feet kept trying to do a Gene Kelley number from "Dancing in the Rain" while my hands couldn't decide between the front or back pockets of my jeans.

But that wasn't all that was out of control on me, no, my eyes were looking up, then down, then closed, then opened (still there), then down, then up. Oh it was a mess, so much for being calm cool and collected. I was a mess. Moments like these always play out better in your mind and I was hoping this was a moment where both mind and reality could be on the same page. But the sunlight turned dark and his smile became a smirk and my tapping feet turned into weights that I could barely move. I wanted to escape from that moment, be free from the voice that rejected me. The voice that killed the dream of a 'happily ever after'. Every moment after that was an instant replay of the moment before that, "no, no, no, no". I stood there dumbfounded and heartbroken, unsure of what to do next. I wanted to run. I wanted to cry. But mostly I just wanted to explode and die. I had no idea my heart could hurt this way. Was this love? Was this what Romeo and Juliet died for?